All of my life I've always thought I'm a patient person. Just ask my mom, she would agree with me. She even told me sometimes she wondered what would it take to push my button (and believe me she did try to find that button, a lot. Mostly in a loving, joking way. But still). I don't like conflict, I always approach problem in the least aggressive way (at least I try), I use gentle words instead of direct harsh ones. You get the picture. So when I have my first child, I thought to myself, I'd totally nail this whole parenting thing. I mean I was a Sunday school teacher, I teach preschool and kindergarten for some time and I was good at what I was doing. So I have the skill and the patience. A golden candidate for future parent of the year, right? Boy was I wrong.
Before my daughter was born, I already have set my mind on the parenting style that I want to adapt. The gentle parenting. One that will involve no physical punishment, be present in my parenting role all the time, and respecting my children's emotion. L.R. Knost describes gentle parenting as “guiding instead of controlling, connecting instead of punishing, encouraging instead of demanding. It’s about listening, understanding, responding, and communicating.” When Miss M was younger it was much easier to implement this way of parenting. However, now that she is a toddler, starting to have her own opinion and wishes on how she wants things to be done or how they're suppose to be, I found that I have a pretty short fuse. I can no longer count the times when I threw my own tantrum because she won't comply to my request. I've done many things I swore I'd never do when I have a child of my own. Many times I've seen her little heart breaks in front of me and I just can't stop. She's not even a difficult child. In fact most of the time she is the sweetest, most adorable kid that is very well behaved. Every time I become a mommyzilla, I feel like a failure.
One day, a harsh awareness slap me on the face. I, who firmly believe and want to adapt the gentle parenting style, had done more corporal punishment to my daughter than my husband who believe in authoritative parenting and physical punishment. At that moment, I knew I have to change and I realize before change can be made I need to find the very root of my being mommyzilla. After a lot of soul searching I come to the conclusion that I have this big anger within me. Entering mommyhood, I unconsciously letting go who I was before and turned myself into a mommy. I'm the kind of woman who loves wearing skirt, dresses, and high heel. Never forget to put on a little make up before going anywhere. I love dressing up and getting myself pampered in a spa. However, after becoming a mom, I slowly neglect myself. I no longer care if my outfit matches. My go to hairdo is a messy bun (or just simply messy). Instead of the girly girl outfit I use to wear, I wear whatever clothes I see first. And my high heels? I think they have spider webs by now since it's been so long since the last time I wear them. I also don't have time for hobby anymore since I'm normally too tired for anything. These things make me angry inside because it's like my identity is robbed. I'm no longer me. Many times, when I look in the mirror, I hate what I see. If I look at my old pictures, I will feel this mix of sadness and depression because of what I had lost. I'm so caught up in my role as a mom that I forget to take care of myself and because of that, everybody suffer. We can only give what we have so how can I give happiness and love to my daughter if I don't even have it for myself.
After finding the root of the issue, I start claiming back my identity. Every day I make sure to at least brush my hair, do my eyebrows and put on some lipstick. I start wearing dresses again. I also got myself a brand new kindle so it'll be practical for me to start reading books again. These simple things definitely made a different in my life. I started to feel better about myself and start feeling happier in general. The way I treat Miss M also improved. I don't yell or throw tantrum as much and we definitely connect more. It also help to have a mental push button and ask the question "what kind of parent I am in this situation?" every time I'm in a confrontational situation with Miss M. Now, I'm not saying that I've reached my perfect picture of who I want to be as a parent yet, but I am getting closer.
